Wednesday, January 31, 2007

If I Were a Hockey Player...

What Reality Check commands, I cannot refuse.

Team: Montreal Canadiens, because there are no others.

Number: 77

Position: Back-up Goalie.

Nickname: Gidget, Etch-A-Sketch

Playing in Front of Me: Andrei Markov, Mike Komisarek, Mike Johnson, Radek Bonk, Guillaume Latendresse (because then I would have to do very little actual work)

Job: Multi-lingual trash-talking, giving good interviews. Also, getting in the way of pucks.

Signature Move: Jumping to catch shots to the top corners.

Strengths: Quick lateral movement, rebound control.

Weaknesses: Having to jump to catch shots to the top corners.

Injury Problems? Do personality disorders count as injuries?

Equipment: And lots of it.

Nemesis: Martin Brodeur (GOALIE FIGHT!)

Scandal Involvement: A series of sordid, bizarre affairs with the back-up goalies of other teams, the ghastly details of which, when finally revealed, cause television ratings for hockey in the States to quintuple, but also cause a rash of emotional breakdowns throughout the goalie community as a whole, such that suddenly almost every game is getting decided 15-14 in a shootout. The Habs, mysteriously, remain immune.

Who I’d Face in the Stanley Cup Finals: In the Western Conference? I don’t know… The Ducks? Yeah, they deserve to get close and then lose.

What I’d Do With the Stanley Cup After Our Victory: Set it up in a shining golden pavilion in the park where the teeming masses of Montreal can come and ask it to grant them children or cure their leprosy.

Would the Media Love Me or Hate Me? The MSM would declare me the worst thing to ever happen to professional hockey, but I’d have an obsessive cult following amongst the common people.

The rest of the league:

Jes Golbez

Mike Chen



Reality Check

Earl Sleek

Another Mike



Matthew Macaskill

Eric McErlain

The Forechecker

Yet Another Michael

Christy Hammond

On Frozen Blog

End of the Bench


Michael #643

Matt Saler







[And growing by the split-second. Too many forwards, not enough defensemen.]

There’s really no need for me to pass this on, but I will anyway: Tapeleg?

[Addendum- In case you haven't noticed, in the interest of fairness, I've been expanding the list as I find more. Conclusion thus far: all interesting, mostly creative, somewhat demented. In other words, good readin'.]


Robert L said...

This is favorite one yet! Do I get a do over on mine? Back up goalies in Montreal will soon be wearing the likes of 77.

I'll link to this front my site and make mention that you have posted the various taggers that have grabbed on. Thanks for participating.

HG said...

Well, I'm glad to see I have my backup now. What's a goalie without one?

Earl Sleek said...

I don’t know… The Ducks? Yeah, they deserve to get close and then lose.

Hmmm. Read the history books, circa spring 2003. Can't get much closer.

Julian said...

Yes Earl, however now you have Chris Pronger on your team.
The karmatic (is that a word?) implications must be obvious.

Earl Sleek said...

Yes Earl, however now you have Chris Pronger on your team.
The karmatic (is that a word?) implications must be obvious.

Sure, but didn't he even MORE recently "get close and lose"?

It's not so much that I think that they deserve your loyalties or whatever, but it's brutal to wish bad SCF finishes on teams and players that just had them.

Jordi said...

Damn it woman you just stole basically all my ideas. Though about the sordid affairs... would this assume you were a member of the opposite sex?

Julian said...

Oh see, I don't wish bad Stanley Cup losses on the guy, I'd rather he never taste the playoffs again. Probably not gonna go my way though.

But yes, I'm not so sure why E chose the ducks to defeat in this case, perhaps the dislike of Pronger extends well outside of Alberta.

PPP said...

Back-up goalie is an inspired choice as is your plan to destabilise goalies throughout the league!

I posted a link to your roundup which is a good way of seeing who has played.

Jordi said...

I hope you aren't directing the demented comments at me hmmm? I'm flattered!

Margee said...

I'm a defenseman planning to pee on Michael Peca!

I'm posting a link here ASAP so people can see all the dementia.