Thursday, March 13, 2008

3-13-08: Senators 3, Canadiens 0

Fucking net. That’s the whole problem with hockey, the net part. If it wasn’t for the nets, the Habs would have won. I mean, come on, they were obviously the superior team in all non-net-related aspects of the game.

It must have been a frustrating night for Carbonneau:

Habs Line (on the ice): [Faceoff] – [Pass] – [Deke] – [Pass] – [Pass] – [Giveaway] – [Thwack]

Pierre: PRICE FAIT ARRET!

Crowd: AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Habs Line (still on the ice): [Rebound] – [Pass] – [Pass] – [Pass] – [Twirl] – [Pass] – [Swoop] – [Thwack] – [Pass] – [Pass] – [Twirl] – [Deke] – [Pass] – [Thwack] – [Giveaway] – [Thwack] – [Dump-in] – [Change]

Habs Line (on the bench): Yeah! Whoo-hoo! We fucking showed them!

Carbonneau: Guys…

Habs Line: Fuck yeah! [Spit]

Carbonneau: Guys, you didn’t take any shots.

Habs Line: We didn’t?

Carbonneau: Nope.

Habs Line: Yeah, well, we ran fucking circles around them! Yeah!

Carbonneau: But if you don’t take any shots, you’re not going to score, and then we’re going to lose.

Habs Line: We are?

Carbonneau: Yep.

Habs Line: But… but… we were prettier than them… and faster… and thwackier…[Sniffle]

Carbonneau: Dammit. Kirk, get the Kleenex, they’re crying again.

Muller: [Heavy sigh] You have to be more sensitive, Guy. They’re artists, not hockey players.

Carbonneau: [Cajoling] Look, Hamrlik can shoot! Markov can shoot! And they’re still pretty! Aren’t they?

Habs Line: [Sulking] Not as pretty as we are…

I think, in order to preserve the Canadiens’ self-esteem, we need to change the rules. Fewer nets, more pucks, and the winner decided by a panel of celebrity judges after one hour. We’d win every game.

1 comment:

Junior said...

Awesome - coming soon to a sports page near you: last night's NHL roundup...

"...in spirited action, the Oilers defeated the Wild by being "da bomb" according to celebrity referee Randy Jackson and "unique and very colourful" according to celebrity referee Paula Abdul. It is unknown what colours Ms. Abdul was referring to precisely, though there is some thought that this may be a reference to the blood on Zack Stortini's jersey. Of concern for the Oilers was celebrity referee Simon Cowell's appraisal of the power play as 'ghastly and horrendous'. In other action, Howie Mandel and an anonymous 'banker' determined that the Montreal Candiens lost to the Toronto Maple Leafs, the Washington Capitals were voted off the island by the Philadelphia Flyers and the Vancouver Canucks' tango was adjudged to be superior to a waltz performed by the Colorado Avalanche.

In a related story, Tim Horton, Eddie Shore and Doug Harvey have all reportedly risen from the dead and become bloodthirsty zombies hungry for the brains of NHL executives. It is believed the zombies pose no threat as they will likely simply starve."