Okay, I lied- as far as I know they don’t really eat puppies. But according to current reports, they’re none too fond of Ice Girls- the Islanders have filed a complaint with the NHL about Lundqvist taking a swipe with his stick at the girl trying to clear his crease, and unspecified other Rangers insulting and spitting on (!) the ladies.
Now, we all know that being an Ice Girl is a dangerous job. In addition to the significant risk of scrapes, bruises, and sprained ankles, they constantly face the risk of maltreatment at the hands of horny, drunken fans and horny, misogynistic players, to say nothing of psychotic goalies. But that’s part of the job, and these courageous women accept those risks when they put on their pushup bras every night. They go out there and face the danger anyway, because they love the game.
However, ugly incidents like this give the NHL a bad name and give the mistaken impression that hockey is all about smacking skanks around. They have to stop, before someone gets seriously hurt. I know that some out there will say that the solution is more protective uniforms- all that exposed skin is just an invitation to injury. We could do that, of course, it would solve the problem. Something with additional padding to protect against stick-swinging incidents, water-repellant to deflect the spit. That would work, the girls would be safer.
Or would they? I ask you, isn’t it possible that additional protection would just result in an escalation of anti-Ice Girl violence? After all, if they can’t communicate their hatred with spit and mild thwacking anymore, some more unbalanced players might start resorting to dirty plays. We could see a significant rise in incidents of running the Ice Girls, and nobody wants that. Anyway, protective uniforms are a soft, girly solution- that’s the sort of thing they’d do in
No, the only real solution is the true NHL solution: we need to let the Ice Girls police themselves. We need Ice Girl enforcers. Freakishly big, muscular women with iron squeegees who could patrol the ice and defend their sisters from any opposition who might try to take liberties with them. That’s how you get respect in this game, through fear; the fear of getting the crap beaten out of you by a girl in public. And anyway, it would almost certainly boost ticket sales and television ratings- if hockey fans like seeing a guy get beaten up by another guy, imagine how much they’ll love seeing a guy get beaten up by a half-naked woman! Of course, they'd have to skip the commercial breaks then, but they could just sell ad-space on the Ice Girls themselves instead.
It’s the only way.