Dear Dion Phaneuf,
We’re sorry to say this, because we have nothing but respect for you as a defenseman, but this has got to be the lamest attempt at a scandalous photo that we have ever seen. You’re a professional athlete, man, this is the big time, so why does this image make you look like you’re the bassist for the opening band trying desperately to pick up the last remaining groupie? Don’t you know that hockey is in trouble? Have you looked at the attendance data lately? We need to grow the audience for this sport, and the first step is obviously shedding the image of hockey players as very polite family guys with bad hair and missing teeth. The NHL needs more kink, and not this realistic Dogme 95 type kink, but spangly, glamorous kink that reeks of way too much money and deep-seated personal problems. So while we appreciate the effort towards shocking and dismaying the fans, really, we think all you’ve succeeded in doing is vaguely disappointing them, and frankly, not nearly enough of them. Next time, and we’re very sure there will be a next time, you’ve got to put some forethought into your scandalous photographs.
1. First of all, it's not even clear where this photograph was taken. Dorm room? Janitor's closet? Changing room at a public swimming pool? Based on the stickers on the door in the background, we're going to assume that it's at least some kind of strip club, and futhermore, we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that the women involved are strippers. That’s a good start. However, if you’re going to shock the general public, it needs to be obvious that they’re women of easy virtue. Now, we actually like the seedy back room type location, gives it an air of authenticity, but that just makes it all the more necessary for the strippers to be more overtly stripperish. So for your next scandalous photo you need: a) more of them, b) with bigger breasts, and c) less clothing. Preferably neon spandex clothing.
2. We totally understand your wanting to chat with your strippers- strippers are often articulate women with surprisingly deep insights into human nature. But please, do your conversation on your own time, not in our scandalous photographs. If Tiffani’s analysis of Ahmedinejad’s tacit opposition to the implementation of Article 44 is really so fascinating that you can’t wait, at least have her explain it while topless and sitting on your lap.
3. Beer and cigarettes? Who are you trying to scandalize here? Your grandmother? Everyone does beer and cigarettes- think bigger! More dramatic! You want your fans to fear for your sanity here, not your freakin’ lung capacity. Of course, as a hockey player, we understand that you might want to avoid the heroin, so leave that to some of the skeezier strippers in the background. But next time, absolute minimum, you need a cigar in one hand and a half-empty bottle of tequila in the other.
4. Sure, Kiprusoff is probably a great guy, but really, when we think of good companions for scandalous photographs, “Finnish goalie” isn’t our first thought. We’re trying to combat hockey’s obscurity here, not confirm it. Now, unfortunately, there aren’t many hockey players who have wide name recognition, so unless you can get Sidney Crosby or Wayne Gretzky, you might have to go outside your comfort zone. Do you know any C-list movie or television stars? Maybe you could find some sort of low-level
You have to look at the big picture, Dion. Look at the sort of personal scandals that professional athletes and genuine celebrities get into- not only have you not reached the requisite level of intoxication, violence, and orgiastic sex, you’re not even close. No wonder hockey has no audience in the States, if this is the kind of scandal you’re offering. Good Lord, it’s barely even scandalous by Canadian standards. Fortunately, you’re young still, and you’ve got lots of time to develop your scandalous-photograph repertoire, so we’ll just consider this a test run.
Theory of Ice Editorial Staff