Friday, March 16, 2007

This is Why the NHL Needs Help

Dear Dion Phaneuf,

We’re sorry to say this, because we have nothing but respect for you as a defenseman, but this has got to be the lamest attempt at a scandalous photo that we have ever seen. You’re a professional athlete, man, this is the big time, so why does this image make you look like you’re the bassist for the opening band trying desperately to pick up the last remaining groupie? Don’t you know that hockey is in trouble? Have you looked at the attendance data lately? We need to grow the audience for this sport, and the first step is obviously shedding the image of hockey players as very polite family guys with bad hair and missing teeth. The NHL needs more kink, and not this realistic Dogme 95 type kink, but spangly, glamorous kink that reeks of way too much money and deep-seated personal problems. So while we appreciate the effort towards shocking and dismaying the fans, really, we think all you’ve succeeded in doing is vaguely disappointing them, and frankly, not nearly enough of them. Next time, and we’re very sure there will be a next time, you’ve got to put some forethought into your scandalous photographs.

1. First of all, it's not even clear where this photograph was taken. Dorm room? Janitor's closet? Changing room at a public swimming pool? Based on the stickers on the door in the background, we're going to assume that it's at least some kind of strip club, and futhermore, we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that the women involved are strippers. That’s a good start. However, if you’re going to shock the general public, it needs to be obvious that they’re women of easy virtue. Now, we actually like the seedy back room type location, gives it an air of authenticity, but that just makes it all the more necessary for the strippers to be more overtly stripperish. So for your next scandalous photo you need: a) more of them, b) with bigger breasts, and c) less clothing. Preferably neon spandex clothing.

2. We totally understand your wanting to chat with your strippers- strippers are often articulate women with surprisingly deep insights into human nature. But please, do your conversation on your own time, not in our scandalous photographs. If Tiffani’s analysis of Ahmedinejad’s tacit opposition to the implementation of Article 44 is really so fascinating that you can’t wait, at least have her explain it while topless and sitting on your lap.

3. Beer and cigarettes? Who are you trying to scandalize here? Your grandmother? Everyone does beer and cigarettes- think bigger! More dramatic! You want your fans to fear for your sanity here, not your freakin’ lung capacity. Of course, as a hockey player, we understand that you might want to avoid the heroin, so leave that to some of the skeezier strippers in the background. But next time, absolute minimum, you need a cigar in one hand and a half-empty bottle of tequila in the other.

4. Sure, Kiprusoff is probably a great guy, but really, when we think of good companions for scandalous photographs, “Finnish goalie” isn’t our first thought. We’re trying to combat hockey’s obscurity here, not confirm it. Now, unfortunately, there aren’t many hockey players who have wide name recognition, so unless you can get Sidney Crosby or Wayne Gretzky, you might have to go outside your comfort zone. Do you know any C-list movie or television stars? Maybe you could find some sort of low-level Baldwin? Or a character actor from a premium-cable drama? What we’re going for here is someone that will make everyone say, “Hey, is that that guy? You know, the one who was in that thing?” And as an additional benefit, with the right companion, you can probably up the overall drug use quotient, and maybe get your scandalous photograph on the E! network.

You have to look at the big picture, Dion. Look at the sort of personal scandals that professional athletes and genuine celebrities get into- not only have you not reached the requisite level of intoxication, violence, and orgiastic sex, you’re not even close. No wonder hockey has no audience in the States, if this is the kind of scandal you’re offering. Good Lord, it’s barely even scandalous by Canadian standards. Fortunately, you’re young still, and you’ve got lots of time to develop your scandalous-photograph repertoire, so we’ll just consider this a test run.


Theory of Ice Editorial Staff


Sherry said...

This is perhaps the best commentary on the picture I've heard so far.

I believe some people have confirmed that this picture was taken in the locker room of some Calgarian strip-club called "Cowboys".

Somebody else also posited the theory that Kipper is really a pimp, those are his women and Dion's just the muscle. Maybe being an all-star goalie doesn't pay as much as we thought.

hockeygirl said...

I believe some people have confirmed that this picture was taken in the locker room of some Calgarian strip-club called "Cowboys".

I stand by my idea that it was in Dallas while they were there for the ASG, aka week o' debauchery. What happens at the ASG, stays at the ASG?

But yes, excellent commentary, E. It's nice we can look upon this with a sense of humour, tongue firmly in cheek.

Jordi said...

Lame. That's all I can say. Lame. I'm more disappointed at Kipper. Dion - he's an impressionable youngun. Kipper? What's your son gonna think?

Erik said...

Lies, vicious lies and slander. We KNOW Kipper's a pimp, that's a given. and has been since he first went "lol, brodeur". But goshdarnit it's not easy for Dion to maintain his aura of mediocrity, the blood of Rory Fitzgerald just wasn't enough (and if you poo-poo that theory, how often has he been seen since the ASG fiasco? I tells you, the NHL killed him, Dion was just on hand to get the blood before it spilled. I believe the liver was claimed by Sandis Ozolinsh, the heart and the kidneys I've been unable to locate).

Also, anything the NBA can do - see sleazy ASG, dunk contests, Toronto, European players - we can do better.

Doogie said...

Is Cowboys even a strip club? I'm pretty sure it's just a regular dance/party club. 'Course, the only strip clubs I know of here in Calgary are from the French Maid chain.

Bleu, Blanc et Rouge said...

Wow, e, where did you get this from? I just put it up on my blog linking back to you, hope you don't mind.

E said...

i understand why dion wants to start smoking, finnish-goalie makes it look sooooo cool. i think i'm going to have to start up again just for the vicarious association. and also wearing damon runyon suits.

doogie, i've got no idea what or where 'cowboys' is. do i look like i've been to calgary? no, i don't. so i think it's clearly your responsibility to investigate this further. we expect a full report by next weekend!

BBeR- eh, this was no effort of mine, it's been circulating on the message boards and the flames blogs for a couple of days. easily shocked, them albertans is.

Anonymous said...

Definitely not Dallas, unless "I heart Alberta beef" stickers are commonplace in Texas.

MetroGnome said...

Cowboys is a meat-market type club. It's big. It's popular. It's filled to the brim with "girls of loose morals". Apparently, visiting team's players have been seen there after a game as well.

I hate the place, so I can't tell you for certain if that is indeed a picture from the inside of cowboys. But it wouldn't surprise me.

As for being shocked...pfft. No one 'round these parts was surprised or made uneasy by this shot. We all know Kipper's a party animal. Not sure how to explain the shirt The Dion is wearing though...

Anonymous said...

It is indeed Cowboy's located in Calgary which is not a strip bar but a very popular dance bar. Quite famous during the 10 days of Stampede each year!! The room is located off the women's washroom and this was apparently taken in February 2007. A co-worker of mine knows one of the girls in the picture. If you look really closely at the sticker on the wall it says "Dallas Stars love Alberta beef". Very Classy!! We in Calgary should be so proud of our star players.

Anonymous said...

If you look really closely at the sticker on the wall it says "Dallas Stars love Alberta beef".

I figured the star is probably just the nightclub's logo...

Keating' said...

K this is the greatest picture i have evr seen.
your all pussys,
and these guys are gods.
Jealous fucks!