Why am I here? I've got better things to do.
I could hang out on the pier, down by the
I guess I'm a loser, but I like being miserable, swimming in sin.
I just wanna know where you been…
I hope you crash your mama’s car
I hope you pass out in some bar
I hope you catch some kind of flu
Let’s say I wish the worst for you
Henceforth, the comparative suckiness of all Habs games will be illustrated on a scale of the comparative twanginess of the music I’m listening to after the game- the more twang, the worst the game. Presumably if they ever manage a really excellent game again, I’ll have to go dig up some sort of sort of sugary Swedish dance-pop, but let’s be realistic: accent-wise, I’m not gonna get further north than Kentucky this season. For those of you who are not familiar with the song in question, ‘here’ is more or less pronounced as ‘hay-er’, emphasis on the ‘y’. Unfortunately, the Habs have already caught the flu, some of them are probably passed out in the hotel bar by now, and I doubt any of them drive their mothers' cars anymore. And honestly, I’d have a hard time sincerely wishing a car accident on anyone. But I do wish them some kind of unpleasantness, because really, they played a deeply vile game tonight, and there should be some sort of karmic retribution for it.
1. Halak and Aebischer seem to be having a contest to see which one of them can dash all our hopes more dramatically. Two things you can expect to see in the near future: small, improvised roadside shrines to Cristobal Huet appearing all over
2. Here is me drawing the line: Bouillon should be benched for the rest of the season. They’ve got better, or at least equally competent, defensemen who won’t fucking publicly shame the team. I don’t care how badly you’re losing, there’s no excuse for that kind of shit, and our Montreal Canadiens just can't be the team with the mediocre player who tries to cripple the other teams’ stars. Please, guys, don't be that team.
3. Fortunate are those who do not live in
4. The Canadiens problems aren’t in some mysterious secret room full of high school melodrama where they all sit around agonizing about who-likes-who and will-anyone-take-them-to-prom, they’re out on the ice for everyone to see. They’ve only got one decent scoring line, and even that line hasn’t been spectacular or even particularly reliable this season. They’ve been squeezing their scoring out of 3 things: the 3rd & 4th line hockey-proles, other teams’ stupid penalties, and one very glorious slap shot repeated ad nauseum. When they had Huet in net and he was on his game, that was enough to win. Without Huet, it isn’t.
5. The agonizing part about it is this: of the 20 guys who hit the ice tonight, 15 of them could be part of an excellent team doing more or less exactly what they’re doing, maybe as many as 17 depending on your perspective. But the problem is that the few wrong parts aren’t just kind of wrong, they’re really, terribly, insolubly wrong- players whose hypothetical role is essential, who can’t be easily gotten rid of, and even if they could be gotten rid of, wouldn’t be easy to replace with anyone better. People talk about ‘filling holes’ or ‘finding missing pieces’ via trades or free agency, but that’s like playing poker and trying to draw for the missing queen to get a royal flush- the chances of failure are vastly higher than those of success. So I'm starting to think that, despite the development of the darari, next season is just going to be more of the same, if not worse: there's a significant chance that the Habs will lose a few good parts, and almost no chance that they'll be able to make the changes that most desperately need to be made.
Fuck it, what the hell am I supposed to do for the next 13 games? No, seriously, I’m asking: What do I do? It’s time for a new contest: Free cake (or non-perishable item of equivalent value for those not in